Title: Shakma

Directors: Hugh Parks and Tom Logan

Released: Oct. 5, 1990

Tagline: The world’s most aggressive primate . . . just got mad. [I would argue that Man is the world’s most aggressive primate . . .]

Description: Students are trapped with a testy baboon while playing a fantasy game in a research building. [I mean, this is completely accurate while giving you no sense of what the movie is actually like. Which is why I prefer my own description from my Celebration of 90s Horror post:  “Look, sometimes you just want to watch Roddy McDowall accidentally turn a baboon into a frenzied killing machine that proceeds to attack Tina from A Nightmare on Elm Street and her merry band of LARPer buddies who have for some fucking reason decided to lock themselves in the lab to play their role-playing game, okay? And there’s nothing wrong with that.”]

 

Nostalgia Time!

---

I basically told the very abbreviated version of how I came to watch this movie for the first time in the intro to Dove’s and my Seed of Chucky recap, and honestly there’s not much more to it than that. I was on OKCupid at the time (this was a few years before Boyfriend and I got together), and asking people what their favorite bad (or weird) movie is was my favorite conversation starter. It was listed on my profile under the line “You should message me if . . .” and I continued it . . . “you want to tell me what your favorite bad movie is!” It didn’t always turn out the way I expected. For instance, there was one guy who very angrily messaged me to bitch about some movie he fucking hated and thought was the worst thing he’d ever seen, completely missing the point of “FAVORITE” bad movie; and another woman who just messaged me “Short Circuit 2.” That was her whole message. No hello, how you doing, nothing. Just, Short Circuit 2.

Dating sites are fucking terrible, and anyone using them has my sympathy.

But, there was one guy I had a lot of fun talking to about terrible, hilarious horror movies, and he was the one who recommended Shakma. I watched it, liked it fine, then promptly forgot about it until recently, when I watched it again and ended up thinking that maybe it’s not a “good-bad” movie; maybe it’s just . . . a good movie? I mean, yeah, it’s cheesy as hell and hits all the 80s tropes (yes, it was released in 1990, but it’s definitely an 80s movie), but it’s decent. It can be enjoyed without MST3K’ing your way through. Although that’s always the most fun way to watch any movie, in all honesty.

Note: Due to the presence of Roddy McDowall (and the weird competition I’ve devised in my head to make him surpass Brad Dourif as the most recapped actor on this site; I dunno guys, my brain is a weird place) and a baboon in this movie, I of course scoured the internet for Planet of the Apes memes to use here. There are fewer than you’d think, and a shocking number of them are really racist. Or maybe that’s not so shocking. I dunno. People suck. Maybe baboons should kill us all while we’re playing D&D.

Recap

---

We open on a slow pan up the outside of a tall building while some very Psycho-wannabe music plays. Then we’re suddenly in a room where surgery is taking place. We see scalpels, Roddy McDowall in one of those little face masks you wear when you don’t want to get a face full of dust while doing spring cleaning, some students looking on, and some more people wearing those masks that are definitely not surgical masks. Look, we’re in the middle of a global pandemic right now; I’m very mask-conscious at the moment.

The people doing the surgery inject something into the patient’s . . . brain? I guess? . . . and then one of the guys, Richard, starts to ask Roddy McDowall, aka Professor Sorenson, something about the game tonight. Sorenson shuts him down, because now isn’t the fucking time, you know?

Cut to our hero of the movie, Sam (aka Christopher Atkins, the guy from The Blue Lagoon), popping into a room where resident nerd Bradley is sitting at a computer with multiple walkie-talkies next to him. They’re all labeled and set to different frequencies so the players can’t talk to each other; they can only talk to the Game Master. Sam says Bradley is going to lose, Bradley says he never has before, and Sam counters that they’ve never played in a real building before. Guys. Your imagination was the building!

Bradley proudly shows off his game design on a computer that’s so 80s it hurts, and shows Sam the trackers that all the players will have so that the Game Master can track their progress through the building. Bradley announces that this will be their best game everrrrrrrr.

Who wants to bet that it won’t be?

Back to the operating theater, where everyone has taken off their sham of a mask. Richard is sucking up to the professor, who indulgently asks if there was something he wanted. Uh, yeah, he wants to suck up to you, geez.

Richard wants to know about joining the game tonight; Sorenson tells him he’ll have to ask Sam, since it’s his game. Then another . . . well, I’m assuming they’re med students . . . who is still wearing his mask, tells Richard that if he can pry his lips off the prof’s ass long enough, he could use some help over here with the patient. See? Everyone sees through you, my dude.

And now we’re back with Sam in another lab, handling a white rat while telling his girlfriend, Tracy (Amanda Wyss, aka Tina from A Nightmare on Elm Street), that he’ll be busy working long hours at the hospital, so she’ll have to fix his meals, and mend his socks, and pop out little Sams. She counters that she’ll be too busy working at the engineering firm she started, and he counters that she’ll start it with his money. Then the rat jumps on her shoulder, and Sam thinks this is hilarious, telling her the rat attacks feminists on command.

I guess this is what passes for flirting between these two.

Also, because they’re in the animal lab, there’s a cat meowing somewhere off screen throughout this entire scene. I’m now playing a game of “Try to Spot the Cat” with myself. It’s honestly much more interesting than watching Sam be a sexist twat.

Richard and the guy who called out his ass-kissing, Gary, wheel a gurney with a covered figure on it into the room, bantering about how many kids played the drummer on the Partridge Family, and when Sam asks them about Sorenson, they tell him that he’s telling the rest of the class his “lip color joke.” Tina Tracy and I are both confused, but the guys all chorus “never mind” in unison, so I can only conclude it’s either very very cheesy, or very very problematic.

It’s revealed that it’s Shakma under the sheet on the gurney, and that is pronounced “shock-ma” rather than “shack-ma,” my friends. Regardless, I am going to deliberately mispronounce the title of this movie whenever forced to say it out loud, so be glad you’re only reading my words.

Anyway, Sam wants to know what they did to him, and Gary does an . . . Igor voice, I guess . . . and tells him that they injected . . . something into his brain. Look, I don’t have captions and I’ve got no idea what this chemical is that they’re shooting this poor baboon up with. Oh, spoiler. Shakma is a baboon. A chacma baboon, specifically, because why not fuck with as many ways to spell and pronounce this as possible? (Although the baboon actor isn’t a chacma baboon, but a hamadryas baboon, because who cares about accuracy in your killer baboon movie.)

Richard explains to Tracy that the drug they shot Shakma up with usually inhibits aggression, but in some cases it increases it. Then he mansplains that Shakma is actually a baboon when Tracy calls him a monkey, even though baboons are a type of monkey, you dillhole. Then he further explains that baboons are the most aggressive primate, other than man, while leaning in suggestively. I’m guessing Tracy’s expression here reflects most of the female population when accosted by Richard.

Sam is mad because he was training Shakma. Richard tells him not to be such a girly-man, and in response to the rampant toxic masculinity in the room, Shakma suddenly springs up and attacks like a furry jack-in-the-box. Gary stumbles back into an alarm; Richard gets his arm scratched; Tracy throws Sam a syringe-on-a-stick thingie; and Sam injects Shakma with . . . something. Teamwork makes the dream work!

Sorenson rushes into the room, demanding to know what the hell happened, and Richard is literally all, “I didn’t do it!” like he’s five years old and the prof is going to spank him.

Sam watches as Shakma starts to pass out, and Sorenson tells him to inject Shakma with 200 more cc’s of whatever the fuck it was he sedated him with. In case we’re too dense to pick up on it, Sam exclaims that that will kill Shakma! Sorenson isn’t thrilled about this, either, but he tells Sam that Shakma would never be the same. You know, because whatever they injected into his brain made him Hulk out instead of chilling out. All that research down the drain, Sorenson laments.

Cornelius is judging you, Sorenson.

(And yeah, unlike Richard, I know that baboons are monkeys, not apes. JUST LET ME MAKE THE DAMN JOKE, OKAY?!)

Quick cut to the hall while Gary flirts with some girl instead of shutting off the alarm like he’s supposed to be doing. She points out that the alarm is very fucking annoying, so he shuts it off and races back over to hover over her and flirt some more. I suspect this scene is only here because the alarm shut-off box is going to be important later on?

Back to the lab, where the cat is still meowing and I’m still trying to spot it. No luck so far.

Tracy is patching up the boo-boo on Richard’s arm while Sam starts to reach for the drug to euthanize Shakma, but Richard distracts him by talking about the Game, then explaining that Sorenson suggested he join – but it better not run long, because he has a hot date. Yeah, his right hand won’t wait all night, will it.

Because he’s distracted, Sam loads up the syringe with the wrong drug. Cool. Cool cool cool, I’m sure that won’t cause terrible things to happen or anything.

Sam tells Richard that they already have all their players; he’s not sure where Richard would fit in. Tracy suggests they could make Nemesis a real person – he’s an ugly little demon who lurks in the cavern, awaiting the quest knights as they move through the castle to save the princess. In other words, Richard would be perfect.

Richard agrees unenthusiastically, then more enthusiastically when Sam tells him he’ll have to help Sorenson set up. I’m starting to move away from the “he’s a kiss-ass” theory and into “he’s got a crush on Sorenson” territory. I mean, who can resist Roddy McDowall in a bowtie?

Guys! I spotted the cats!

And now I’m thinking of all the reasons these animals are in a lab in a medical school, and I’m suddenly very sad. Thanks a lot, stupid killer baboon movie.

Sam stares soulfully at the currently sedated Shakma, then at the stuffed animal, which is a plush gorilla. Richard pops up to ask if Sam wants him to do it, but no. Sam injects him with whatever the fuck it was he distractedly filled the syringe with, while Richard tells him he needs to lose this sensitive side if he’s going to be a doctor. Yes yes, because we need more insensitive doctors running around.

Richard wheels Shakma to the crematorium, and amuses himself by filling out the cause of death as “man.” He also spells the baboon’s name “Shockma” and I don’t know if this is a continuity fail, or if Richard is just a moron. It is truly a toss-up.

Oh, we also see Shakma’s little bitty baboon hand start to twitch as it hangs off the edge of the gurney. Surprise, bitches!

Sorenson wanders in and asks Richard what he’s doing; Richard claims that Sorenson said he wanted Shakma cremated. Um, he never actually said that, Richard. Learn to listen, especially to the person you’re trying to impress, holy shit. Sorenson tells him no, he wants to do a necropsy, and to just leave Shakma there. He also seems over Richard’s shit, like a hundred percent.

Richard seems to think he sees Shakma’s little hand curl as he’s closing the door, but he leaves anyway, as the very dramatic Psycho-wannabe music plays.

He looks through the window in the door for a suspenseful minute, until someone taps him on the back. This is Laura, the hot date. He tells her he has to help Sorenson tonight, but then they can go back to her place and engage in some primitive mating rituals. Ew. I think I’d rather take my chances with the killer monkey.

Cut to an elevator opening, and Richard’s little sister, Kim, stepping out. She runs into Sam, whom she clearly has a crush on, and we find out she’s to be the princess in the tower for whatever RPG/LARPing bullshit this game is. She apologizes for letting Richard find out about the game, and Sam teases her a little, then asks if her being part of the game is okay with her parents. She witheringly asks how old Sam thinks she is.

The actress, Ari Meyers (who would have just been coming off playing Kate’s daughter in the 80s sitcom Kate & Allie when this movie was filmed) was either 20 or 21 at the time. However, she looks about 14, so . . . it was a fair question, KIM.

Sam looks after her as she walks into a classroom with a look that’s probably supposed to say “those darn kids” but comes across more predatory than benevolent, and then we smashcut! back to the animal lab, where the chimp is watching Richard and Laura make out. 

Sam and Kim walk in, proving I have no idea where anything is in this building; Sam ribs Richard about this “attractive young woman” claiming to be related to him, then gives him information about the Game. All he has to do is set things up according to the schematics, then follow Sorenson’s orders. 

Yes, hello, I am very confused as to why the 60-year-old professor is hanging out with his students and their friends to DM a game that requires locking them in the building with him. Nerds gotta nerd, I guess?

This is the first Laura is hearing of the Game, and she’s pissed that that’s why Richard’s Little Richard won’t be available to her. He assures her it will only be a couple of hours, and Sam pipes up that well, actually, last time went well into the wee hours of the morning, and that was when they were just sitting around a table. Laura storms out, Richard whines at Sam and follows her, and Sam and Kim laugh with each other about cockblocking Richard.

Ah, yes, we do have fun, don’t we?

Fade out on Sam and Kim playing with the chimp who’s traumatized from watching Richard trying to score; fade back in on the exterior of the building some time later, with several animal/jungle noises happening. I’m not convinced this movie knows what animals actually sound like. The animal screeching noises get louder as we zoom in on a door, and then a huge blood splat hits the window in the door. 

Okay.

Smash cut to Kim and Tracy playing cards. Sam wanders in and asks if they’ve seen Richard. Nope. He pulls out the world’s clunkiest walkie-talkie with an antenna roughly four feet long, and radios Sorenson to tell him the building is empty and they’re just waiting for Richard. Sorenson lists off the things that Richard still needs to do, and it kinda sounds like a lot, but they’re acting like it’s not that much? I dunno, this whole Game thing is overly complicated. I came here for Roddy McDowall and a baboon ripping people’s faces off, ya know?

Then someone in a werewolf mask jumps into the room to scare everyone. Oh, it’s Gary. Yay. And hey, I guess Bradley is in the room, too. Wonder why he wasn’t playing Go Fish with the ladies? Anyway, Gary’s bright idea is to make Richard wear the mask all night, cuz that’ll teach him to butt in! Yeah! *confused high-five*

Quick sidebar – this is a werewolf mask. Richard is supposed to be portraying Nemesis, who we were first told is an ugly little demon troll, then were informed is the Greek goddess of vengeance. I’m extremely confused about how these disparate elements are supposed to fit together? Which is it? Make up your minds!

Sam goes on to offer up a wager on who wins – a hundred bucks. Tracy ups it to five hundred, taunting the guys when they hesitate. Gary is shocked that Tracy has five hundred dollars just lying around, but eventually agrees to the bet. Man. This is some high stakes LARPing. I mean, I know it’s about to turn into life-or-death stakes, but they don’t know that.

Outside, Laura drops Richard off. He tells her to check back in three hours, and she is PISSED and tears away from the curb. I don’t know how it’s possible to be anything but pissed at Richard all the time, but I guess he’s pissing her off more than usual because of the obvious crush on Sorenson.

Richard meets up with everyone else in the faculty lounge; Sam complains that he’s late; Gary hands him the mask; Richard complains about the mask; Sam sends him on his way to Sorenson and then he and Gary slap hands over how hilarious it is that Richard has to wear a Halloween mask. Okay, guys. Try to contain the hilarity.

In Sorenson’s office, we get a good look at the Game on the computer screen, and I have no idea what’s going on here. I guess this is the real-time GPS schematic of the 1980s. It’s some sort of map of the building. Anyway, Sorenson wants to know why Richard hasn’t turned the lights off on the fifth floor – it’s the cavern after all, it’s supposed to be dark. Richard tries to make some bullshit excuse instead of just admitting he’s a lazy motherfucker, and Sorenson is having exactly zero of his shit, standing up and ordering Richard to go set things up the way he was supposed to. Richard scampers off with his tail between his legs, I guess proving he’s the sub in this relationship. 

Also, I guess this Game is SRS BSNS.

Richard walks down the hall, and oh! all this lazy son-of-a-bitch had to do was flip a few switches in a fuse box. Fuck sake. Oh, and this “medical school” is obviously some sort of warehouse with a few walls thrown up and painted. What was the budget for this movie? *does some quick google-fu* Oh. $1.5 million. That’s . . . not a lot. Even for 1990. Huh.

Quick montage of Sorenson locking doors, then he pops into the lounge and informs the others that the building is locked up tight – no one gets out until they have a rescued princess and a defeated demon. Yes, yes, I’m sure this is a good idea, nothing could possibly go wrong, why do you ask?

He hands them scrolls with their starting locations on them, and says that just for fun he’s assigned identities to their trackers, and they should try to figure out what their characters are. Um. Look, I’ve never played D&D or anything similar. Boyfriend and I have a friend who’s mentioned DMing a campaign for us, but we’ve never been able to work out a schedule for a regular game night. Point is, even having never played, I’m still pretty sure this isn’t how character creation works. On the other hand, I’m led to believe the DM can do pretty much whatever the fuck he wants to the players, so maybe this is fair game after all?

Sam reminds Kim not to come out until she hears the code phrase, and she obviously hopes he’s going to be the winner, telling him she has a surprise for whoever rescues her. She’s flirting so damn hard with him, but it’s hard to tell if he’s even aware of it. I mean, for one thing, his girlfriend is right there, and for another, Kim, honey, you look like you’re supposed to be 14, and we’re never actually told how old you are. Like I said, Ari Meyers was 20 or 21 when this was filmed, but the character looks like she could be anywhere between 14 and 20, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be judging this. 

And I’m sorry to keep going on side tangents, but aren’t most D&D-type games cooperative, not competitive? I’m so confused by everything about this game. I just want to see the monkey go bananas, dammit!

Cut to Sorenson talking Game Stuff to Sam and Tracy, independently. Apparently they have to request imaginary keys to explore different rooms. It’s not very interesting, and we’re still not seeing the damn monkey lose its shit. 

But it seems no one told Amanda Wyss that you don’t hold walkie-talkies up to your ear like telephones, because that’s exactly what she’s doing. Mmkay then.

In yet another room, Bradley types a code (“Frodo,” because hahahaha nerrrrrrds!) into a computer and then takes a scroll from the top of the monitor. I guess we’re on the honor system here?

Meanwhile, Gary stumbles across a clue written on a chalkboard, and contacts Sorenson to solve it, then realizes he doesn’t know it after all. He’s also doing a weird voice when he says “never mind,” because maybe he’s the joker of the group? Unclear. Sorenson laughs his ass off as Gary signs off, whether because of the voice or because he couldn’t solve it remains a mystery.

Next, Bradley contacts Sorenson to request a key to room 414, where we can see on the prof’s monitor Nemesis is supposed to be. Also, now Roddy McDowall has mistaken the walkies for phones, too.

There’s a lot going on in this office. First, the walkie-talkie. Second, why are we wearing cufflinks and a bowtie to DM this game? Third, why do you have a Ouija board in your office, sir? And I’m not overlooking the star charts to the right of the screen, either. Sorenson clearly has a lot of hobbies.

Anyway, he gives Bradley the go-ahead to enter Room 414, and reminds him he only has two keys left after this. Okay.

In the room, Richard is leaning back in a chair, without the mask on, fucking around with a paper airplane. Yeah, that seems about right. When he hears Bradley open the door, he hides under the table instead of doing . . . whatever the fuck it is he’s supposed to be doing, leaving Bradley free to collect another two keys.

Look, don’t ask me how this game works, because the movie does fuck-all to explain it. I’m just here for monkey face-ripping shenanigans.

Sorenson seems baffled that Bradley didn’t encounter Nemesis, but allows the key collection. Then he calls Richard, who claims he was asleep, oops. Sorenson somehow refrains from running to the room and strangling this jackass, and scolds him to pay attention or this is going to be one short game. Which is, of course, what Richard is aiming for, because he’s a jackass who doesn’t care about ruining everyone else’s fun. Like, hey jerkwad, no one forced you to play! You horned in on this to suck up to the professor! You’re not going to endear yourself to him by fucking up his game! Jerkoff. Can’t even suck up properly.

Bradley enters another room, fucked if I know which one, everything is dark and all looks the same, and collects another clue (as far as I can tell, these are clues to identify the code word that “rescues” the princess at the end?) and a bag of glitter. Excuse me, I mean a bag of Immobilizing Crystals. Which is a bag of glitter. These motherfuckers are supposed to throw glitter at each other. I . . . I can’t. I just . . . can’t.

Bradley radios Sorenson to tell him he’s going to check the specimen lab for Nemesis, because he could use eternal life. I guess that’s the reward for defeating Nemesis? Anyway, anyone else think this is going to turn out ironically?

Sorenson is confused about why Bradley thinks Nemesis is in the specimen lab, and so am I. I think there was supposed to be a sound effect added in post that got overlooked. I’m listening to this in earbuds, and I didn’t hear a thing, but apparently Bradley did. Whatever, he’s an annoying douche anyway.

Bradley sneaks into the lab and throws a handful of glitter in the doorway. Then he sees the cages all knocked over and blood everywhere. It’s hard to tell which of the animals are supposed to be dead, but the chimp is still alive in its cage, so I guess Shakma takes the words of the Lawgiver seriously, at least. (Again, I know baboons aren’t apes. Just let me make the joke!)

Bradley looks toward the window, where Shakma is posing. Then the baboon leaps at Bradley for some face-ripping fun. Welp, nice knowing you, Sir Bradley.

In the office, Sorenson watches the computer monitor as Bradley’s tracker goes dead and a computer voice starts saying “avenge us” over and over. Uh. What. Are these trackers life-sign trackers? What even the hell.

Look. This movie is watchable, but I might have been wrong about its quality. I am stupidly easy to please when an actor I like is in the movie, okay?

Anyway, Sorenson tries to call Bradley on the walkie, to no avail. And I guess we’re just treating the walkie like a goddamn telephone full time now. At least Sorenson knows which end to talk into. I swear Bradley kept talking into the speaker earlier. You know, before Shakma ate his face off.

Sam gets to the computer with the scrolls on top, and sees that he and Gary are the only ones left on that level. Yeah, you better pick up the pace if you’re going to be our hero, Sammy.

Sorenson calls Richard to relocate him to the fifth floor, and tells him to check on Bradley, since his walkie and tracker went dead. During this conversation, Richard grumbles to himself, calling Sorenson an old coot, senile, and a miserable old dinosaur. Hrrmph. Get ’em, Shakma! After they sign off, Sorenson grumbles to himself, calling Richard a “manipulative little brat.” Eh, we’re R-rated here; you could have gone farther. I guess the term “douchecanoe” hadn’t been popularized yet.

Cut to Richard walking down a hall . . . somewhere. He hears a noise in a room, puts his monster mask on, and leaps into the . . . empty room. He shuts the door, and then we cut to a shot of Shakma sitting under a desk. It’s impossible to tell if this is the same room or not with the way this movie was cut together. The baboon and the human actors were never in the same room together, on account of baboons’ tendency for face-ripping, and in the scenes where Shakma attacks people, it was a crew member just sort of . . . throwing a stuffed baboon at the human actors to wrestle with. And in certain scenes, it really shows.

Speaking of stuffed primates, Shakma has his little stuffed gorilla with him. Aww.

Richard continues down the hall until he hears Bradley’s walkie-talkie and Sorenson on it telling him Richard is coming his way to check on him; he’s not coming as Nemesis. If Bradley were still alive, I bet he’d throw glitter at Richard anyway, though. We see Shakma shriek at the walkie, so I guess he’s still in the lab. Richard finds the bloody walkie and continues to creep around the lab like an asshole. 

Richard finds Bradley, who is dead with his throat ripped out but still looks like he’s breathing, then manages to drop-kick his walkie across the floor and make the batteries fly out of it. Smooth, Dick. Shakma drops his stuffed ape and leaps at Richard, whose reflexes are faster than his brain. He jumps into a storage closet full of chemicals. The door doesn’t lock, so he has to hold the door shut as Shakma screeches and throws himself against the outside. Apparently the filmmakers achieved this monkey madness by locking a female baboon in heat behind a door. This explains the very obvious baboon erection in multiple scenes, lest you think Shakma simply has a hard-on for murder.

Things get quiet outside the closet, so Richard takes the opportunity to pour some hydrochloric acid into a glass and exit the closet to creep around with it. Shakma is nowhere to be found, so Richard leans down to pick up his walkie. Then Surprise!Shakma attacks from under a table, causing Richard to maybe throw the acid in his own face? It’s kind of hard to tell.

In the office, Sorenson is getting very pissed off that Richard isn’t answering his hails. Understandable, but also maybe this should be the point you begin to suspect something is wrong. You’ve had two players now go silent in the same area of the building. Maybe strange things are afoot at the Circle K specimen lab?  

Back to Sam, just so we don’t forget he’s our hero. He requests to use a key to check out room 408, and now he only has one key left. So . . . if a player runs out of keys, are they just doomed to roam the halls, not being allowed into rooms to check for clues, or what? I really want to know how this game is played. In other words, WHAT ARE THE RULES?!

Tracy is exiting the room as Sam reaches for the handle, and she has a Reveal Crystal, so he has to show her the clues he’s gathered so far. He comments that she’s taking this seriously, and she replies that $1500 is a down payment on her new car. So that explains the bet. I guess. 

Sam doesn’t have anything written in his notebook, because he’s having a problem on this level. Yeah, Tracy can see that. She calls Sorenson and tells him she took Sam’s notebook but it wasn’t helpful, so she’s moving on. Sorenson is glad they’re both there, because he’s going to go check on Richard – he thinks he’s playing a different game from the rest of them. Tracy asks if he wants them to hold position, but Sorenson tells her he’ll only be a minute. 

Um, did we forget that Gary is still here? Somewhere?

Also, raise your hand if you think Sorenson won’t be back in just a minute.

Sam wants to make out a little; Tracy wants to keep going because Bradley is ahead of her. Uh. About that. Then she tells Sam he’s “so male,” and he replies that he can’t help it; he’s the giant. Tracy is confused, then realizes what she did wrong, and this somehow means that she’s the elf. And she seems displeased by that for some reason. Um, elves are usually all beautiful and ethereal and magic, aren’t they? I’m not sure what she’s upset about, honestly.

Sam turns the lights off, because caverns are supposed to be dark, and the making out commences.

We cut for the first time to Kim, who is dressed like this and telling her reflection that this is Sam’s chance.

Once again, he has a girlfriend, KIM. Also, I’m still not sure how old you are.

She whispers “rescue me” into the mirror and smiles. I’m sure she’s trying to be sexy, but it just comes off as someone’s cute kid sister with a crush.

And now we’re with Sorenson, wandering through the building. He turns a key in the elevator to keep it active, and he’s also finally taken his bowtie off, for that casual after-hours look. He hears a noise down the hall that is definitely an angry baboon screech, and heads off toward it. As you do.

He discovers bloody paw prints in the hallway, then spots Richard’s corpse, and it looks like I was right – he managed to throw the acid in his own face. Idiot. Sorenson puts his hands right in the blood on the front of Richard’s shirt, for reasons I can’t begin to fathom, then touches the front of his own shirt and his forehead, leaving spots of blood behind. Yech.

Instead of grabbing a weapon (maybe he thinks Richard threw acid in his own face for the lolz?), Sorenson creeps out of the room and down the hall, armed with nothing more than a worried expression. Honey. No.

Sorenson makes his way back to the elevator, then hears a baboon shriek. Dramatic shot of Shakma in the moonlight at the end of the hall! Sorenson stares at him for way too long before hitting the elevator button, then realizing he has to turn his key to make the elevator work. Shakma runs the 50-yard dash like a pro, screeching angrily, leaps toward the open elevator door, and then someone throws a stuffed monkey into Roddy McDowall’s face. 

RIP, Sorenson.

Cut back to Sam and Tracy’s makeout session, interrupted when Sam jumps up and turns the light on. Apparently he heard something? Despite being on a different floor? Okay. Tracy asks what’s wrong, and he just says, “Shakma!”

I would be very worried if Boyfriend suddenly called out a baboon’s name while we were getting frisky, but it doesn’t seem to faze Tracy.

They run to the elevator, which isn’t coming when Sam hits the button. He wonders where it is, and we get a shot of Sorenson’s corpse with the throat ripped out, legs keeping the elevator door from closing, and bloody paw prints everywhere. Man, Shakma can’t even clean up his own messes.

(Side note: I just rewatched a movie called Embryo that Roddy McDowall appears in for one scene; it actually stars Rock Hudson. I won’t be recapping it, but there’s a dog that gets super-speedy growth serum, which also apparently makes her really smart, and this dog murders another dog and then hides the body, and then when the human girl who also got the super-growth-smartypants serum takes a fish out of the aquarium and wanders off, the dog picks the fish up and throws it away. This fucking dog not only covers up its own murderous tendencies, but covers up the human woman’s fish murder. Shakma could learn a thing or two.) 

Tracy realizes something is jamming the elevator doors because they can hear the dinging sound of the doors, and then Shakma screeches again and they take off running for the stairwell.

Meanwhile, on some other floor, Gary tries to contact Sorenson, to no avail. He’d have more luck with the Ouija board in the prof’s office at this point. He does more voices into the walkie, including Scotty from Star Trek, and then stands around waiting for the elevator like an idiot.

Sam and Tracy make it to the fifth floor stairwell. Tracy thinks they should get help, but Sam thinks he can handle the homicidal baboon rampage himself. Sure sure sure. Good fucking luck. He tells Tracy if he’s not back in two minutes, to call security. That doesn’t seem long enough, but Tracy seems used to Sam only taking two minutes.

Sam creeps down the hall, then spots a cluster of bloody paw prints and starts to call out for Sorenson. Yes, yes, let’s alert the killer monkey to your location A+ good job. Shakma growls somewhere off screen, and Sam hides in a closet. There sure is a lot of hiding in closets in this movie. I wonder if someone was trying to say something here.

Shakma, looking incredibly un-bloody for having just ripped a man’s throat out, stops by the closet and sits up on alert, then shrugs it off and runs down the hall, away from our hero.

Cut to Gary, annoyed that he can’t raise Sorenson on the walkie. He’s heading up to the fourth floor via the stairwell. Tracy hears him and calls out, but he sneaks through the door to the fourth floor because he clearly is unaware of the murderous monkey and doesn’t want anyone to steal his clues.

Tracy leaves the stairwell to call for Sam, and Shakma shows up at the end of the hall again. Sam thinks he’s the Baboon Whisperer and tries to calm Shakma down. It goes about as well as you’d expect, and Sam and Tracy race back to the stairs, holding the door shut against Shakma, who loses his shit jumping against the door and shrieking. I’m not sure why everyone keeps holding the doors shut. Shakma isn’t even attempting to turn the knobs.

They run up to the sixth floor, and now I guess we’re not worried about Shakma following them because “the stairwell doors are too heavy for him.” Uh, say what now? That door was crumpling inward when Shakma jumped at it; I’m pretty sure it was made of cardboard.

Anyway, they’re looking for a phone to call for help, but all the doors are locked, and the only other phones are in the teachers’ offices. Sounds fake, but okay. Tracy pulls the fire alarm, but nothing happens because Sorenson had Gary turn the alarms off earlier. Wait, that was for the whole building?! That was the fire alarm?! And you never turned them back on?!

I am seriously questioning Sorenson’s competency as an authority figure.

Meanwhile, Shakma is in the lab next to Richard’s corpse, and it looks like he’s eating something. Mmm, tasty acid face. Then he hears a noise and runs out into the hall. He goes bananas at the stairwell door again, for no apparent reason, and then we see Sam and Tracy enter the electrical lab on the fourth floor. Sure.

They grab a high-intensity strobe light that will temporarily blind Shakma, which Sam seems distressed by. Um, he knows we have to kill the monkey, right? Why aren’t we looking for weapons?

Gary comes out of a room after our heroes clear out, because Gary is kinda dumb. Not Richard-level dumb, but he is clueless as fuck.

Our heroes creep through the halls (honestly, “someone creeps through the halls” probably accounts for a quarter of this movie’s run time), then spot Shakma chilling with Corpse!Richard. They hit him with the strobe, which is about as powerful as the Kodak flash bulbs I had when I was eight, and then Tracy tries to hold the lab doors shut while Sam runs through the halls like an asshole. Again, Shakma ignores the doorknobs and simply throws himself at the doors until the door frame is about to break.

Sam finds the elevator and Corpse!Sorenson, and takes the time to check for a pulse. Yeah . . . pretty sure he’s dead, Sammy. He then drags Sorenson’s body through the hall, past Tracy, presumably to the stairwell. He relieves Tracy at the lab doors, then flashes the bulb at Shakma again. It does literally nothing, so I’m not sure why we’re acting like this is a thing. The bulb is out of charges, so Sam throws the whole contraption at Shakma and takes off running after Tracy.

They hide out in the stairwell, where Sam checks Sorenson for a pulse yet again. Dude. He doesn’t have a face. Then he takes his shirt off and throws it over Sorenson’s head to hide his lack of a face. But don’t worry, our hero isn’t shirtless – he still has a white t-shirt on underneath.

Sam says that must be Richard in the lab, and yells at Tracy that she said she saw his hand move. Uh, when exactly did she say that? Anyway, Sam insists she distract Shakma so he can go pull Richard out. Dude. Why would you think he’s still alive?

Also, did you grab Sorenson’s keys from the elevator, or did you just leave them there like a fucking idiot?

Tracy’s “distraction” is to slowly creep down the hall (I feel like this should be a drinking game?), choose a room close to the elevator, then scream at the top of her lungs. Shakma takes the bait, running out of the lab and down the hall to slam himself against the door over and over. Oh, hello, baboon erection.

In the lab, Sam discovers that Richard is definitely dead, although you can see the actor breathing, and this death affects him more than the professor’s. Not sure why, since no one seemed to actually like Richard, but okay. Then we see Shakma give up on getting to Tracy and run back down the hall. Uh-oh.

Sam runs to the stairwell, then runs back out to get Tracy, who has somehow locked herself out of the room she was hiding in. He also props the stairwell door open with Sorenson’s foot. Hmm, seems insensitive, and also unnecessary? The stairwell doors haven’t been locked at all before this, so I’m confused as to why we need to prop the door open.

The next several minutes can be summed up with: running, shouting, monkey destruction, monkey dick.

Tracy hides in a cabinet that Shakma tries to destroy to get to her, and Sam yells at him to sit, stay, and leave it. Oh. Have you tried Milkbones? Squeaky toys? Hitting his nose with a rolled-up newspaper?

Sam eventually tricks Shakma into a room and runs back to the stairwell with Tracy. Unfortunately he forgets to pull Sorenson’s foot back in before trying to close the door, and Shakma almost gets in before they pull the professor in and slam the door. (I really hope at this point it was a dummy and they didn’t actually make Roddy McDowall sit there with a shirt over his face while a baboon pawed at his foot.)

Sam starts going through Sorenson’s pockets, looking for his keys, because Sam is a fucking moron. He has no idea where the keys are, and he and Tracy scream at each other for a minute about Richard being dead. They stick a mop under the door handle, because that’ll definitely keep the killer baboon from opening the door, then run down the stairs to a locked door.

Gee, if only they had the keys that were hanging very obviously in the elevator.

They decide to go to the lower level and break a window or something to get out and go for help. See, this is why you don’t lock yourself in a building where only one person has the keys. And shut the fire alarm off. What if there was a fire? 

Tracy starts screaming about the game like she wasn’t all gung-ho with the betting and whatnot. They decide that Tracy will go check for Bradley (remember him?) on the sixth floor, and Sam last saw Gary on the third floor, so he’ll look for him there. I guess we’re not worried about Princess Kim up in her tower, then?

Sam says that Shakma can’t get off the fifth floor. Yes, because that mop is a high-security lock, and oh yeah, THE KEYS ARE STILL IN THE ELEVATOR WHO WANTS TO BET SHAKMA KNOWS HOW TO OPERATE A MOTHERFUCKING ELEVATOR?!

While our heroes go off to “rescue” the others, Shakma destroys the lab like he’s a rock star in the 90s. Then the movie remembers that Kim exists, and we meet back up with her as she adjusts herself on the sofa. I guess she hasn’t heard all the screaming and Shakma throwing hotel mattresses into the swimming pool.

Tracy yells for Bradley on the sixth floor, then starts messing with the walkie-talkie; on the third floor, Sam yells for Gary. Gary, however, is on the fourth floor, and tries his walkie one more time to tell Sorenson (RIP) that he’s heading to the fifth floor. You know, where the killer monkey is?

Gary hits the elevator button, and because Corpse!Sorenson’s legs are no longer blocking the doors, they ding and slide shut on the fifth floor, alerting Shakma to the imminent arrival of a new victim.

As he gets in the elevator and spots Sorenson’s keys in the panel, Tracy contacts him on the walkie. Because Gary isn’t the brightest bulb, he’s more concerned with what Tracy’s doing on his frequency than where the professor is. He takes the keys out of the panel, then on the fifth floor, Shakma screeches and starts pressing the elevator call button.

Mm-hmm. Told ya.

Gary tells Tracy he’s heading up to the sixth floor, even though I swear he said the fifth a minute ago, and Tracy screams at him to get out of the elevator. Oops, too late. Shakma hops on the elevator at the fifth floor, and they proceed to the sixth, where Gary falls out onto the floor in front of Tracy, fighting with a monkey puppet that’s attacking his throat.

Then Shakma spots Tracy and takes off after her. More running, hiding, and baboon cock as Tracy runs into a bathroom and stands on a toilet to take a vent off the wall. Sam runs madly through the stairwell, pops onto a floor to yell for Tracy, then takes off back into the stairwell as Tracy hears him and starts yelling that Shakma is on this floor!

I’m not sure how y’all are still alive what with all the yelling you’re doing.

More monkey dick door attacking as Tracy tries to keep Shakma out of the ladies room. She loses that battle, and Shakma chases her into the bathroom, where Tracy locks herself in a stall as if that’s going to do anything. As Shakma crawls under the door, Tracy desperately claws the vent off the wall. This vent is comically narrow; there’s no way she can crawl into it, what the fuck.

So, uh, Tracy gets mauled to death amid screaming, baboon screeching, and blood splatters.

RIP Tracy. And Gary.

We’re down to Sam and Kim. Whenever the movie gets around to remembering her, that is.

Sam starts running around the seventh floor, yelling for Kim and telling her the game’s over. He finds a mug in the kitchen and throws it at the glass enclosing a fire extinguisher, which causes Kim to appear holding a plate of pie. He yells at her for not answering him, and she replies that he didn’t say the code word.

Kim. Kim. Can you not tell when someone is screaming in a panic? 

After this bit of brilliance, she notices the blood sprayed across his shirt. I’m honestly not sure whose blood it is at this point, or why it’s in a spray pattern instead of just looking like he wiped his hands, which is how it must have gotten there. Anyway.

Cut to Laura outside on a payphone, trying to locate Richard. I guess she was talking to his parents? She gets in her car to wait for him in annoyance.

Inside, Sam is filling Kim in on the colossal fuck up. He tells Kim that Richard’s on five, but doesn’t tell her that he’s fucking dead. Way to go, dummy. Sam says that they need to get everyone together and find a phone. Yeah, everyone is all together, my dude. You two are it.

Despite playing the role of the damsel in the tower, Kim is proactive enough to run to the kitchen and grab a couple of knives for them. Finally someone thinks to get a weapon! 

They spot Laura in her car and yell at her through the window, then decide to find something to throw through the vents to try to hit her car and get her attention. Because I guess these windows don’t open, they just have these horizontal slats going across them. Sam tells Kim to do that while he goes to get Tracy. Um. About that . . .

Kim throws a handful of forks one by one through the slats, and I’m not sure how we’re hoping to hit Laura’s car since it looks like she’s parked across the street, but . . . okay. It shockingly does not work.

Sam stumbles across Corpse!Gary, who is covered in blood but showing no wounds. He checks for a pulse, because of doctor instinct, I suppose.

Kim creeps down to the fifth floor because she’s a concerned little sister. She finds bloody paw prints and someone’s walkie-talkie; I’ve lost track of whose at this point. 

Oh, never mind, I’m wrong. She followed Sam to the sixth floor, and came across Tracy’s walkie. She finds Sam still crouched by Dead!Gary, and Sam demands to know where she found Tracy’s walkie-talkie. 

Amid much protesting, crying, and physical assault, Sam instructs Kim to go back upstairs and keep trying to get Laura’s attention before he goes to check the bathroom. He finds Tracy’s bloody corpse, and maybe the reason they didn’t show us much during her death scene was for this big reveal. It’s very dramatic. (Or maybe they couldn’t find a way to make her struggles with the baboon puppet look realistic.) Once again, there’s blood everywhere, but the only visible wounds are on her legs.

Sam sits on the floor to cry, homicidal primate be damned.

Upstairs, Kim finds a scroll that leads her to a “weapons” bonus hidden in the couch. This turns out to be a pouch of marbles. Not sure what sort of weapons these were supposed to be a representation of, but at least now she has something else to yeet out the window at Laura.

Laura continues not to notice objects falling out of the sky to her left, and starts the car to leave. Kim starts flashing a flashlight out the window, which Laura does see, but dismisses as part of their “stupid game.” Then she drives off.

Kim leaves a note for Sam, then takes off somewhere. Meanwhile, Sam is carrying the corpse of his lady love through the hallways to lay her to rest next to Gary by the elevator. He spots the keys when he drags Gary over by the wall, and holds them up in wonder. 

I mean, you would have had them a hell of a lot sooner if you had any sense of situational awareness, but sure. Yay, keys!

He takes the blood-splattered elevator to the seventh floor and finds the note Kim left him – she’s gone to find Richard. Ah, okay. I knew that happened at some point. Also, again, WHY DOES ANYONE THINK HE’S STILL ALIVE?!

She finds her brother, very fucking dead; gets jump-scared by a cat that managed to escape Shakma’s wrath; stumbles over Bradley’s corpse; then someone throws the monkey puppet at her. Cut to black, then we pick up with Sam creeping into the lab and finding Bradley’s body, then walking into the cremation room and walking out carrying Kim’s corpse.

Guess that makes Sam our Final Boy.

Also, he might be in shock. Or turning into a serial killer. Either way, he’s having the worst day EVER.

Hey, at least he has the keys. He can now GTFO at any point.

He unlocks Sorenson’s office and calls 911, but doesn’t say a word when they answer. He stares vaguely into the distance, then hangs up and sweeps everything off the desk in a fury, because everything was his fault.

Then he gears up, because he’s got a monkey to kill, goddammit!

He steps out of the elevator, knife stuck through his belt, carrying the syringe-on-a-stick and a flashlight, with his arms all wrapped up to protect them. I would have looked for something to protect my face and throat, since that’s what Shakma actually seems to be going after the most, but eh. To each their own.

I always start zoning out a lot here, because the next several minutes are just Sam choosing a room and MacGyvering up some traps for Shakma. He hears him screeching somewhere down the hall, but lets the audience know his intentions by whispering “No, you come to me.”

Finally Shakma walks into the doorway where Sam has set up some wires to electrocute him. The baboon shrieks in pain, but has disappeared from the doorway. Sam goes to investigate, and I just realized he’s modified the syringe-on-a-stick. It is no longer a syringe; it’s the other knife taped onto the end. So, a spear. Sam made a spear.

Shakma attacks from behind, and Sam wrestles with the baboon puppet for a while. He gets bit on the . . . shoulder, I think? It looks like Shakma was going for his throat but took a wrong turn. Sam stabs the puppet, then throws it off of him and sits leaning against a wall, bleeding.

Shakma is surprisingly unharmed, and stands growling at Sam, who suddenly screams “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” at him. Shakma turns and runs off. Yes, show your dominance through primal screaming, Sam. Good job.

He eventually pulls himself up and picks up his spear again, and now I can see that Shakma definitely got him in the neck and the arm, through the protective bandages. Sam shuffles off to the lab, into the cremation room, and stares at himself in this huge mirror leaning against the wall. He’s not looking too good, all covered in blood and with visible wounds. This must be what the SFX makeup budget went to.

He lures Shakma to the lab by staring him down, dropping his knife, and walking slowly back to the cremation room. Then he pulls a Jurassic Park velociraptors-in-the-mirror thing, causing Shakma to shatter the mirror (there’s seven years bad luck for ya) as he leaps through it and straight into the cremation furnace. Sam holds the door shut and laughs as Shakma starts shrieking.

And this is the guy who was upset at the thought of flashing a light in Shakma’s eyes. Oh, how the turntables.

Sam backs away from the furnace and flips the switch that turns the flames on. He watches in satisfaction and relief as Shakma burns alive, then stumbles out into the lab and the hallway, where he trips over some debris and lands on his face in front of the plush gorilla. Or monkey? From this angle, it looks like it has a tail. Hmm. 

He laughs a little more, then tells the stuffed primate “I win.” Then he maybe passes out? 

Roll credits!

Nostalgia Glasses Off

---

I’m actually not sure if Sam survives or not. Hopefully the cops show up to see why he called them, or he’s able to crawl to a door and get out, or . . . something. It would be really weird for everyone to die. 

Right, so. I do like this movie. There are bits of it that drag some, but it’s never painful to watch. It’ll never top my list of favorite bad movies, but I do revisit it every once in awhile and enjoy it. About half the characters are too annoying to care about, and I can’t figure out some of the finer points of this competitive D&D-type game, but the baboon face-ripping shenanigans are solid.

There’s far too much monkey cock in this movie, though.